A Cautionary Tale for Christmas

Remember in August how you moaned and groaned that retailers were already pushing the Christmas stuff? Remember it wasn't even Labor Day yet and the shelves were stocked with wreaths and lights and fake trees and candles and mechanical Santas that go HO-HO-HO when you poke them in the stomach?
Well, guess what? If you didn't buy any of that crap then, you sure as heck ain't getting any of it now!
What? You didn't get enough twinkly lights to cover your eaves? Sorry, Bud--don't go to Target. The shelves where the lights were just LAST WEEK are now filled with wrapping paper.
You put off getting that sweet jingle bell wreath you saw at JoAnn's? Forget about it.......it's VALENTINE'S DAY at JoAnn's now.
Oh, and did you think that you could just wander over to Lowe's on DECEMBER 13th and expect to pick up a nice little tree stand for your 'effin seventy-dollar tree? You DID??

LOSER! What were you thinking?!?!

The only things left at Lowe's today were a few strands of orange lights, spools for storing the lights that all the smart people bought in August, a slightly soiled Jeff Gordon Christmas stocking.....AND......

..... the second-to-last mother of all tree stands. Talk about over-engineering. Hey, at least it was half-price! And next year we can go chop down a redwood because we will have the stand for it!